Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.

LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE

I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/

friend: why do u look sad

me: I have wrongdog

friend: what’s wrongdog

me: *big breath in*

[seafood restaurant]

CHEF: where are my shellfish?!

ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you

If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ

Him: Do you swallow?

Me: Every time I chew.

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.

Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.

YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir

If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.

Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?

How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.

everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David

my new hobby

creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people

– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches

The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.

[city marathon]

ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?

RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS

ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?

[teaching teen to drive]

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.

Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?

Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*

Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?

It’s so funny how dracula in marvel is a thing and he is constantly in the background as a looming threat but noone cares but blade

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.

Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.

Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.