Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.

Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.

Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.

seriously you guys

Cop: can I see some id

Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change

Cop: are you high

Me: yes sir

I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.

Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.

i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations

Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.

They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong

I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.

jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”

As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind

This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.

My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.

[quietly opens a beer]

Funeral Director: seriously?!

Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]

Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.

OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won

“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”

~All accountants

Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.

Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”