Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.

In other news, I just got a free case of beer.

I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.

Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.

Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

[Dentist chair]

Him: Lie back and open wide

Me: At least buy me dinner first

Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this

Me: *typing* Too late

“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.

My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free

There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.

Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.

I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.

Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.

The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*

why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?

I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.

So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.

*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good

ME: check out this cordless trimmer

BARBER: stop calling me that.

Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”

Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”

If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.

[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]

Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.

My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right