My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
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Jogging
They’re really bad with fonts.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
and now we wait
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper