My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
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[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4