My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
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r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
👍
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Well well well…
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing