Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?

Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.

My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”

Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.

Am I having a stroke?

Angel: Welcome to Heaven

Me: But… this is a Costco…

A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need

M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*

“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”

My Body: we’re hungover

Me: but I didn’t drink anything

My Body: I don’t make the rules

Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.

Home is where the Wi-Fi is.

I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.

Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

RIDDLER: What has–

BATMAN: A gazebo

ROBIN: Matches

RIDDLER: Let me finish-

BM: A paperweight

R: Dental floss

RIDDLER: I hate you guys

“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life

Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?

Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now

Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either

My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.

But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY

mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at

My kids lost a Barbie shoe.

I dug in the trash and found one.

It was from a set they didn’t know was missing

Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.

Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.

[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?

“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary

Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.