My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
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[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Normalize saying “the end” when you want a conversation to be over
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.