my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
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Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
did it work
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
They’re on their honeymoon
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda