My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
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accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Optimist: The cup is half full.
Pessimist: The cup is half empty.
Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.
Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?
Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.