My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
You Might Also Like
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
March 16
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Before & after 😅
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive