Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.

What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock

Okay so I need to find and purchase this book

I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.

Potatoes were such a good idea

The Person Who Discovered Sharks

I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.

My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.

“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?

Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles

[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?

“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.

Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.

why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.

I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late

Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:

-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat

A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.

church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-

[the ghostbusters barge in]

church choir, nervously: -oooats

[ghostbusters slowly back out]

dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle

[debate]

ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not

My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.

Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift

I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit

Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate

*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*