Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.

[4:07 am]

everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole

Haha! 😂

I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.

JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..

pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)

1) An act of spinning on one foot

2) A tiny gay pirate

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”

the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working

*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*

If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.

Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.

Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos

Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken

Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.

Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something

The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it

Dear Abby,

I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?

3yo: welcome to my store.

Me: thank you how much for this apple?

3yo: ummm fifty dollars.

Me: wow and these grapes?

3yo: um SIXTY dollars.

Me: geez how about this lemon?

3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!

and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc

me: one Big Mac with no cherries

cashier: cherries?

me: no thanks

People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors

Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.

him: it’s what’s inside that counts

me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.