Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”

I just died 😂😂😂😂😂

I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.

me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking

friend: did it work?

me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.

I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂

ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview

THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage

I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living

Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

that de-escalated quickly

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

Men love me.
Germs fear me.

Or vice versa, whatever

8: I wrote my list for Santa

Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?

8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?

Me: perfect

sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?

Lion: yes.

God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?

Lion: no why?

[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]

God: I guess I’ll delete them then.

Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!

Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.

Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty

I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.

jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna

peter: ok let’s get you home

The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?

#Caturday

Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG

So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.

Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.

It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.

#COVID19

(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn

Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.

Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.