My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
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What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
The original Alien is the best because of the smoking. No futuristic nicotine delivery. Just blasting cigs around all that sensitive space equipment. That’s the direction technology advanced: to allow cigarettes in spacecrafts.