My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
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Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Welcome to the stomach
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
doctor: “we can’t bring your husband out of a coma. It’s already been 2 weeks.”
Me: “hang on I have an idea” [buys a truck without towing package]
Husband: [both eyes pop open]
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
Asserting dominance by showing up to my doctor’s appointment already in my gown from home
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
