My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
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[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
🏙👨🏼
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”