My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
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[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid