My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
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I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Fights fire with marshmallows
A drum solo but on your face.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
me irl
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
when you order from DoorDastardly
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”