Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.

Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth

My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.

Him: Being a teenager is tough.

Me: *sigh* I’m 40.

People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.

Fruity

“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.

I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.

My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.

You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.

Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act

if a cop pulls u over play dead

[On the way home from school pick-up]

Me: So, what did you do at school today?

9: I burned down everything that exists.

5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?

9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.

Sure. I lift.

*lifts donut to mouth*

When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

shut up and take my money

Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!

Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…

WebMd: You’re gonna die.

[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME

I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

*Me making playground small talk with other parents*

“Congrats on the sex bro”

I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed

“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!

Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.