My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
