My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
