My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
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me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.