Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.

R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary

[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain

I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once

It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently

[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?

[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician

If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.

Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

sometimes i miss this memes

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans

me: *falls down stairs*

kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!

me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this

I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together

*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!

The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.

Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”

Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.

Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: Answering stupid questions.

judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it

[texting]

Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

Still a very good boi….

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.

girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??

horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts