My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
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Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Breaking news:
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!