My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
