My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
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EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
You learn something every day
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive