My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room

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[estate planning]

Advisor: Have you thought about an end-of-life gift?
Me: I’ll be dead, that’s a big enough gift for everyone


When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”


Only my husband would walk up to my gynecologist in Costco, point at me, give him the two thumbs up while grinning and say, ‘Nice one, huh?’


CW: Can I ask you something?
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had coffee.
CW: But you don’t drink coffee.
Me: *smiles and continues to work


Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.

No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.


When your 3yo spits a chewed up wad of cheese into your hand and you’re like “where did you find this, I didn’t give you any cheese today?”


One time I was so high, my flatscreen fell off the wall and I thought it was just part of the movie.


Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.


When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.


I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.