@CatJacquesESPN

My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room

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@AnkCoupleTO

[estate planning]

Advisor: Have you thought about an end-of-life gift?
Me: I’ll be dead, that’s a big enough gift for everyone

@basit_saeed

When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”

@Illiter8

Only my husband would walk up to my gynecologist in Costco, point at me, give him the two thumbs up while grinning and say, ‘Nice one, huh?’

@tacos_y_cerveza

CW: Can I ask you something?
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had coffee.
CW: But you don’t drink coffee.
Me: *smiles and continues to work

@GuyThe_Guy

Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.

No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.

@MumsieEsq

When your 3yo spits a chewed up wad of cheese into your hand and you’re like “where did you find this, I didn’t give you any cheese today?”

@MrRamBillings

One time I was so high, my flatscreen fell off the wall and I thought it was just part of the movie.

@kelkulus

Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.

@curlycomedy

When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.

@CroweJam

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.