Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.

When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.

I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.

Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym

Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.

When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence

Him: You’re some eye candy.

Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom

internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket

Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”

Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.

*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP

Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.

[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out

Her : I like you

Me : You’re mistaken

Morning my dudes.

[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]

Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’

Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’

*first time seeing a musical

“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”

With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.

Drill sergeant: …