My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
i really liked this one
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
