Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.

I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it

Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!

[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp

[first time skydiving]

me: oh no my charcuterie board

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents

4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?

me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize

4: no

Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”

My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.

[my funeral]

PRIEST: we are here for Robert-

*one guy in the back of the room boos*

What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.

the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy

Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.

10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.

every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane

[recording studio]

me: [into microphone] studio

sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”

ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.

*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*

wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u

Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp

So, I got banned from the toy store today…

I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.

Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”

Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.

May take them away tomorrow too.

PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.

[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!