Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit

Horrifying, yet familiar

My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?

Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.

Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.

Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2

I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.

Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.

You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.

Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!

If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon

if i’m ever in a coma please put chapstick on my lips

Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?

Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate

Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.

If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.

I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.

Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.

What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?

Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.

S:
D:

S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.

S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?

S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?

S: MOM! Come get your husband.

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.

my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”

The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.

Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door

🤣🤣

Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses

I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.