My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
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Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(
4 year old: I had a nightmare
me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real
4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise
me: *terror rising within me* no way
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
They got Raph!
