Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!

Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.

Her: What do you do for fun?

Me: I write jokes about water vapor

Her: What’s that like?

M: It’s a gas

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed

Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep

Doctor: that’s quite normal

Old lady: and then a bird

Doctor: what

Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?

*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*

Me: The gym.

Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.

Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.

One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…

“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…

[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears

How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.

You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you

These apps are getting out of control.

There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.

Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.

Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.