5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
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SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
I’m aging like a fine banana
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Facebook memories be like
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.