Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
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All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”