My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
You Might Also Like
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament