My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
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Sign at work today
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.