My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
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[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
That 👊
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Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
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[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
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Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
the answer was staring at me all along
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Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.