My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
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I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Thrilling chase underway
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated