My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
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Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Life is a suicide mission.