My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
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A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.