my mom making me talk to relatives
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Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Same post same
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.