My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
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no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”