My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
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When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Me checking my bank balance online.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
I feel seen.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
I hope they boil the right one.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Beauty and the Beast
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…