My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
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Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas