Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ocean’s 45:

The group gets bigger each heist

It’s too hard to keep secrets

Someone posts the next plan on Facebook

Everyone goes to jail

[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.

omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.

Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.

This could have been an email.

— me, while attending a wedding ceremony

who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?

All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside

Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.

Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.

– Respirational Tweet

Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.

Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*

Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.

The 70’s called. They built a time phone.

friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you

I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”

How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.

Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.

Me: how

Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir

Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!

Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.

One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇

It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.

12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.