My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
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I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
We could all be hibernating right now but noooooo we have to be “adults” with “responsibilities”
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
