My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
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some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.