My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
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Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Tammy is short for Tamuel
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”