My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
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richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food