my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
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[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Straight people are cancelled
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.