my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
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My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
Science memes
plums roundup
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Stop sending me this shit.
