my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
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The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
every. time.
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Thursday Thought.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”