Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour

According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory

4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter

You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind

Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there

Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.

when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint

Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow

Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*

Me: He means a graph

Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY

I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations

Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”

Finish the sentence here:

📷: elevasseur

A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.

*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*

[before electricity was invented]

ME: [presses hand dryer]

GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]

Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*

Me: same

[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀

[7:00:01am] wait no

[7:00:02am] hold o—

[7:00:03am] stop

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.

ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.

Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer

I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.

My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me

decorating my apartment