@CornOnTheGoblin

[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!

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@david8hughes

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

@LRenceFivvens

Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.

*roving gang of doctors walk past house*

*feral teacher crashes through window*

@LoveNLunchmeat

*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”

AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.

@PaulyPeligroso

If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.

@Go2Slp

“Oh, beautiful. Just perfect. I wonder if I’ll be able to control myself… aaaand they’re gone.”

– Me with Thin Mints, and women.

@Swain_Train47

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

@AnniemuMary

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

@KevinFarzad

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.

@TheBoydP

“Change is never easy…”

~McDonalds employees

@ankles_so_weak

papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers

little cloud: *tinkling over desert*

papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!