[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
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Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?