[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!

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God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’


Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.

*roving gang of doctors walk past house*

*feral teacher crashes through window*


*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”



If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.


“Oh, beautiful. Just perfect. I wonder if I’ll be able to control myself… aaaand they’re gone.”

– Me with Thin Mints, and women.


Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend


My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.


Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.


“Change is never easy…”

~McDonalds employees


papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers

little cloud: *tinkling over desert*

papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!