Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus

Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem

My birthstone is a marshmallow.

If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?

me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂

noah: you did WHAT

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”

* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.

“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”

– Airbnb owners, probably

And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile

I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move

“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”

– Karen

Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.

[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.

I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.

As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.

Coffee is cheaper than bail

Starbucks – You sure about that?

Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.

Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”

*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*

Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.

I jiggled the change in my pocket.

Who’s your best friend?

who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?

I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above

*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.