My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
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Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
How funny!
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
The Assassin.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.