My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
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When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I know VERY basic Japanese.
When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,
“does this have nuts in it?
The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)
I responded…..
“Sí.”
…
I HAVE NO WORDS 😭
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”