My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
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My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Oh yeah that’s it
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
My love language is hissing.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
indiana??? now they’re just making up states
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”