My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
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Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
What a chick magnet..
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.