My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
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British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
#Caturday
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.