My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
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A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
As per my previous tablet…
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Ok cat haters, explain this…
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”