my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
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Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first