my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
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The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
How to wake up a Beagle
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert